I can't say it out loud

Friday I spent the day with my cousin Brittany and her two kids. I love these kids. I babysat the oldest, Brayden for a few months after Britt went back to work when her maternity leave was over and I was in the delivery room when Kylee was born. I don't see them as much as I would like, but I do love these kids. As much as I love them, it was hard spending the day there.
Every time Kylee smiled or Brayden called out for his Mommy, I ached inside. I want to see the smile on the face of my child and hear them call me Mommy. I played with them for a little while and then they went down for their nap. Then Britt and I got the chance to talk. Of course I didn't tell her we're trying, but for the sake of the conversation we had, I wanted to. It would've been easier and maybe the things she said wouldn't have been said.
She's a teacher and her mom is retired and watches the kids. Brittany made a comment about it being easier to teach middle school than to take care of her 2 kids. I just wanted to shout out, but at least you were blessed with two healthy babies. We talked about her pregnancies and she said she hated being pregnant. I wanted to say, I'd give anything to be pregnant. She was talking about maybe wanting a 3rd and she'd like to time it so she'd be pregnant during the school year and have the baby over summer vacation. If only it were that easy. She got pregnant her first month off BCP with Brayden and on her 2nd month with Kylee. Without jealousy I must ask, Why was it that easy for her and not me? She kept telling me that the longer I wait, the harder it's going to be on my body. I'm not waiting, believe me. It's not my choice that I'm not pregnant now. It's not up to me. Everything I felt after this conversation was purely out of frustration, not towards her. I'm sure if she knew what I was going through, our chat would've taken a different route.

I can't do it. I can't tell anyone. I don't want to say we're trying and having trouble. I don't want to say we're on month 7 and still no luck. I had to reschedule my annual GYN appointment and on the phone I told the girl that along with my annual exam, I wanted to discuss that we've been trying to get pregnant for 7 cycles and it still hasn't happened. It brought me to tears to say it out loud. I couldn't imagine the unsolicited advice I would get from certain members of the family. I wouldn't want to deal with the looks of pity. The idea of hearing, "If you just relax it will happen" makes me sick. I saw the Sex and the City movie today. One line from the movie struck a cord with me. (Otherwise I loved it) Charlotte announced she was pregnant and said something along the lines that everyone always says to relax and it will happen and as soon as they stopped trying, it happened for them. Granted it was just a movie, but people believe it. I think it's BS. At the end of this cycle, I want to take the test, see the two pink lines and realize that we have been blessed to be having a baby. I pray that this will happen for us this cycle (and for all the girls on GP).