I can't say it out loud

Friday I spent the day with my cousin Brittany and her two kids. I love these kids. I babysat the oldest, Brayden for a few months after Britt went back to work when her maternity leave was over and I was in the delivery room when Kylee was born. I don't see them as much as I would like, but I do love these kids. As much as I love them, it was hard spending the day there.
Every time Kylee smiled or Brayden called out for his Mommy, I ached inside. I want to see the smile on the face of my child and hear them call me Mommy. I played with them for a little while and then they went down for their nap. Then Britt and I got the chance to talk. Of course I didn't tell her we're trying, but for the sake of the conversation we had, I wanted to. It would've been easier and maybe the things she said wouldn't have been said.
She's a teacher and her mom is retired and watches the kids. Brittany made a comment about it being easier to teach middle school than to take care of her 2 kids. I just wanted to shout out, but at least you were blessed with two healthy babies. We talked about her pregnancies and she said she hated being pregnant. I wanted to say, I'd give anything to be pregnant. She was talking about maybe wanting a 3rd and she'd like to time it so she'd be pregnant during the school year and have the baby over summer vacation. If only it were that easy. She got pregnant her first month off BCP with Brayden and on her 2nd month with Kylee. Without jealousy I must ask, Why was it that easy for her and not me? She kept telling me that the longer I wait, the harder it's going to be on my body. I'm not waiting, believe me. It's not my choice that I'm not pregnant now. It's not up to me. Everything I felt after this conversation was purely out of frustration, not towards her. I'm sure if she knew what I was going through, our chat would've taken a different route.

I can't do it. I can't tell anyone. I don't want to say we're trying and having trouble. I don't want to say we're on month 7 and still no luck. I had to reschedule my annual GYN appointment and on the phone I told the girl that along with my annual exam, I wanted to discuss that we've been trying to get pregnant for 7 cycles and it still hasn't happened. It brought me to tears to say it out loud. I couldn't imagine the unsolicited advice I would get from certain members of the family. I wouldn't want to deal with the looks of pity. The idea of hearing, "If you just relax it will happen" makes me sick. I saw the Sex and the City movie today. One line from the movie struck a cord with me. (Otherwise I loved it) Charlotte announced she was pregnant and said something along the lines that everyone always says to relax and it will happen and as soon as they stopped trying, it happened for them. Granted it was just a movie, but people believe it. I think it's BS. At the end of this cycle, I want to take the test, see the two pink lines and realize that we have been blessed to be having a baby. I pray that this will happen for us this cycle (and for all the girls on GP).

Baby Belly

Over the past week, it seems as if my eyes are drawn to all the pregnant bellies any where I am. I don't look for them, my eyes just automatically find them. It's been so frustrating for me, but today I spent the morning with my pregnant cousin. Family is just a different story. With her, I don't feel anything but excited. I'm not sure if it's just that I know her and that the baby will be a part of our family or what, but there's nothing but joy in my heart. I do not feel envious, I do not feel mad when I'm with her, I have no negative feelings. I spent the morning happy. It's so reassuring to feel that way after the pain my heart has felt lately. I got to feel her belly and oh how I want a baby belly of my own. I got to feel excited today and it was so refreshing. It's nice to feel like I'm out of this negative "funk" I've been in for the last week or two. Cycle 7 has had me really down. Spending time with April, the belly, and her little boy Evan was just great for me. It was the attitude adjustment that I needed!!

I'm not sure how to answer the "when are you going to have kids" questions any more. I also spent some time with a different cousin, Brittany, and aunt this morning. Each of them asked me when we're going to have kids. I just don't know what to say anymore. My response today was, "my eggs are still good until about 32, so we have time". Of course I wanted to shout out, I want them, more than I can possibly explain to anyone, it's just not happening. It's even hard to listen to their responses to whatever answer I came up with at that moment. Some times I think it would just be easier to tell people. Then I snap out of it and realize it not be easier at all and I'm thankful we've only told a few people we trust with our secret and our feelings. Hopefully this will be our cycle!!!

Frustation is getting the best of me

Not sure why, maybe it's b/c I've been sick and AF has been here, but I've been extremely moody this past week. I've had little to no patience. After the in laws left (had a cookout for the holiday) I decided to hop on the nest to chill out. It's almost like therapy for me sometimes-it relaxes me. Well, tonight that didn't really happen. I read back through the posts to see what I had missed and there were BFP's from people who I've never seen or who've been there a just a couple of weeks. Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy for anyone who gets pregnant that wants it b/c it's such a blessing. However, for those of us who've been trying for a while and sharing our stories with each other, it's like a slap in the face. My initial thought is to respond with "Who are you?" Someone else beat me to it, though. How dare you pop on a board that's for women trying to get pregnant, not know anyone and announce you have what we all hope and pray for? How dare you throw that in our faces and then disappear? If you're a lurker, you should know better than to just announce yourself and your BFP at the same time.

It's just so frustrating. I feel like on one hand I'm being mean, getting mad at these girls. It's not a jealousy issue at all. It's just getting old. On the other hand, I feel like they're just being rude to us. Some of the women there, myself included, are only sharing this part of their lives with others on the nest and no one or very few people in real life. You get to know some of them and want it just as badly for them as you do for yourself and when someone does a "driveby BFP" you want to slap them for the others just as much as for yourself. This goes both ways. When someone you "know" gets their positive HPT, you want to rejoice with them. Oh well. Like I said, maybe I'm just moody or maybe at this stage, I'm just tired of the ignorance.

All it takes is a little Sunny D

So J and I were grocery shopping, both of us in a bad mood. There were a few pregnant ladies walking around looking all cute and I was crying inside. One lady was about my size, around my age, and hugely cute. I took in a deep breath and let it out and I could see out of the corner of my eye J staring at me. He knew exactly what I was thinking. Well, as we're walking through the orange juice section he says, "We're doing this all wrong. You need to drink a gallon of Sunny D and take 3 tests. That's all it takes. We're going about this the wrong way." It was cute, his referencing Juno. It made me laugh. Of coures, I had to explain to him that drinking before taking a test isn't recommended so you don't dilute anything, but it was still funny.

I'm contemplating not temping this month. I'm on CD 3 and I didn't temp this morning. This week I'm not working and then next week I start my new job and I'm not sure I want to bother temping. My cycles range between 26 and 28 days and I usually O on day 13. If we don't temp, I won't know for sure, but I could guesstimate about when things are happening. I want to just relax and take it easy this month. I want to get back to the having fun part of trying. As much as I'd like to think it would be carefree, I'm also afraid it would drive me crazy. The overanalyzing might be replaced with worry and "what if's". I'm not sure what I want to do. I just know as sad as I've felt the last couple of days, I need to do something to chill out. Guess I'll sit down and have a discussion with James and see what he thinks. He is a part of this too after all.

Rational Thoughts

There was a post on the nest this evening asking if anyone convinces themselves every month they're pregnant. My first cycle I was totally convinced and there were a few reasons. First off, I've been on BCP for years and had no idea what kind of pms symptoms I would have or even that they also mirror pregnancy symptoms. I was so excited that we were trying that I think I would've bet money that we were, even though the test was negative. We weren't temping so I didn't have anything to give or take away the hope I had. I hadn't read TCOYF so I didn't really know what to expect or how things were REALLY working. It's amazing what you don't know about your body as a woman until you read that book. This was confirmed to me when I was talking to my sister and her husband and they thought you ovulate on the last day of your period. We had our very own little science lesson right there. My third cycle I had also convinced myself we were pregnant. The disappointment I felt after both of those let downs was enough for me to decide I didn't want to go through it again, at least at that emotional level.

So my response to this post was "I was thoroughly convinced two separate cycles and the disappointment and depression that followed was too much that now even if I think there's a chance, I follow that up with a thought rational thought. It works, most of the time." Now thinking back I have to ask myself, is there anything rational about what we think and experience while trying to conceive? I try very hard to think a "rational thought" (as James says) after every "this might be a pregnancy symptom" thought. It's not rational though, it's madness. We ride on this emotional rollercoaster for 27 days or longer each cycle and do and say what we can to keep from going crazy. Thoughts race and as much as you don't want to think them, they do surface, even if just for a fleeting moment. Did it happen? Am I really nauseous? Are my boobs a little bit more sore than last month? What if I'm not? How long will it take? The only end to this madness is seeing the two pink lines, getting the BFP. Although, I'm sure that brings on a different kind of madness. A madness I pray very soon I'll get to experience myself!

Mixed Emotions

I've had mixed emotions today. Emotion 1: Happy. It was my last day at a job I've truly hated for at least a year now. I absolutely love my coworkers and think that was the main reason I didn't want to leave. However, the anxiety I experienced by working there became too much and I just couldn't stay there anymore. Today was wonderful. I didn't do a whole lot of work and was so excited knowing that when I walked out of there today, I wouldn't have to go back. Such joy. I promise you, I'm not overexaggerating. The funny thing is, by the end of the day, I had lost my voice so it was hard to say my goodbyes. Guess that was due to the sinus drainage I'm having. I told one friend, the place had my sanity, might as well take my voice on my last day too.

Emotion 2: Sadness. I started today. Guess that means we really are starting cycle 7. I knew it was coming b/c my temps had dropped, but once it arrived, I just felt so sad. I just never would've thought it would take this long. I suppose I need to look at the positive, now we can get started on the next cycle.

Last night I felt like such a bad person. We went out to eat for Griff's bday (BIL) and it seemed like almost every pregnant lady in KY was following me. I know that's ridiculous of course, but when you want something with all of your heart, you see it everywhere. I was feeling depressed about it and said something to J, he didn't take it well. I can't remember exactly what I said, something alone the lines like "Why do I keep seeing all of these pregnant women every where I go? It's making me mad". (maybe mad was the wrong word to use, but it was used nonetheless) He told me I was being mean. I wasn't trying to be mean, just express that I was hurting and it came out wrong to him. I didn't try to explain myself to him b/c we were with his family, but I felt worse after that. I cried a little bit when we got home, but luckily he was busy and didn't notice. I know I'm very blessed and try not to dwell on things, but the past couple of days have been emotional.

Is AF coming??

When J & I started TTC, we had no idea the journey ahead of us. I guess I was naive to think we wouldn't have any trouble, that it would just happen right away. I've talked to a few of my friends and family that are about my age to see how long it took them. I was shocked. 3 cycles was the longest of those I asked. Are you kidding me? It's no wonder I'm surprised we're finishing out cycle 6 and still no BFP. At the end of each cycle, I feel differently. Sometimes I'm more disappointed than others, but now I'm finding myself just frustrated. It shouldn't have to be this hard. I do my very best to refrain from thinking "it's not fair". I realize life isn't fair, but it just seems that for people who want a baby, to be parents, so badly (and i'm not just talking about J & I) it shouldn't be so difficult. I know it's all in God's time, His will, and that's so hard to understand sometimes. I just pray for comfort, understanding, and of course, the positive test.

Now, I'm 13 dpo, had a negative test yesterday and I'm torn. I want to start to get this next cycle going, but seeing "Cycle 7" just freaks me out a bit. My temp is way down today and I'm not going to be hopeful and think it's just b/c I had a fever yesterday and now I'm on antibiotics. I know it's b/c AF is coming. J is disappointed, I can see it in his face even though he won't say it. He thinks he has to be strong to make it easier on me. I know it breaks his heart a little every month when I tell him it hasn't happened. It feels like one big roller coaster ride. The ups and downs of being hopeful and then realizing it didn't happen. Now we continue our waiting game.