New Blog

I started a Pregnancy Blog, A Little Brownie, so that family, friends, and nesties could journey with me through pregnancy. The link is over on the left side.

Baby Blessing Received

Last Friday I found out that we did not have any infertility benefits. It was a hard pill to swallow b/c we were coming up on the end of our 12th cycle. I cried a lot and prayed a lot. I felt His comfort as I started to give up. I started to think it wasn't going to happen for us, not without help. I couldn't understand why He had not answered our prayers.

I did not know his plan for us, but it seems so clear looking at it now. We bought our house shortly after we started looking which gave us the room we needed for a child. We got everything moved in and most of everything unpacked. Everything was in place. Then.....
God answered our prayers. He blessed us. We got our BFP on Wednesday 11/5. I cried many joyful tears. I was shaky and in disbelief. I didn't doubt the dollar tree test but I wanted to see what a positive FRER looked like so I went and bought one of those and a CBE digital. I saw the two pink lines and they were just as wonderful as I imagined. Seeing the word "Pregnant" made it feel real. I/we are so incredibly thankful and excited!!

Thank you to all of you who have been supportive over the last year. Your words of encouragement and prayers mean the world to me. I couldn't have gone through this without you! I'm still praying for you!! I hope you'll continue on the next journey with me too! Our first dr's appointment is Monday 11/17 so we'll go from there.

Love,
Jeannie

It's been a while

Seems like it's been forever since I bothered to check the blogs, let alone write.
I feel like I'm still playing catch up from all the craziness over the last couple of weeks. Work lost power which means we were set back and we're still trying to catch up. I was getting everything ready for my first jewelry party. My great aunt died last week. We're closing on our house tomorrow. I'm very excited. We're going to paint this weekend and hopefully slowly start to move in. We made our first new home purchase last night. A new tv for the bedroom. We're very excited.

For the first time in 3 months, I confirmed O today. I'm 3dpo. It feels great to know where I stand in my cycle. We're very hopeful that cycle 11 will end with a pregnancy.

Time to start packing :)

Crazy couple of days

So sadly, Friday morning AF showed up. At least I think it was Friday. I don't have my calendar in front of me. Regardless, this cycle did not end with a baby surprise. At first I was very sad, but I'm on to a new cycle now so there's hope again. To try and make sense of it all, I just told myself trying to move into a new house while pregnant would not be good. I love to paint and wouldn't be able to participate in that so it works out okay. We'll be in the new house before testing time again so at least we'll be settled. I can't change the outcome so there's no reason to dwell on it at this point.
Sunday, Ike blew us away. I had no idea that we would get hit by a windstorm from Hurricane Ike, but oh boy we did. I left for church Sunday thinking, it's windy out here. Walking from the parking lot into church, I thought my earrings were going to rip right through my ears. I left church and realized something crazy was going on. On the way home, there were trees down everywhere, blocking main roadways and power was out in several places. I-71 had a trampoline on it that had blown over from a nearby neighborhood. That was crazy to see. I could barely get through our neighborhood b/c of all the down tress, but once I got home, we didn't have power. So what did we do?? We went furniture shopping. We had to drive across town to find a store with power, but we had nothing else to do. Our power came back on Sunday night, but it wasn't until this morning that we got internet and cable back. Work is out of power. Of course, I didn't even think to call until I pulled up and saw that it was dark. A few of us showed up so we just called patients to tell them we would be closed until the power came back on and then I went to hang out with my cousin and her kids who are out of school until the power comes back on. This morning, I got up and got ready b/c our supervisor said plan to come in unless she called. Of course, I got no call so I threw on some jeans and a sweatshirt and called her myself. She said to stay home for now and she'll call later. Either today or tomorrow I'll go in and do some chart audits for a few hours, but it won't be a whole day of work. I don't mind that, but just tell me if I need to stay home and expect to come in or if I have the day off and expect to come in tomorrow. I have things I could be doing other than waiting to hear from work. Oh well, at least we have power.

Is it over?

CD 28, BFN, no cramps. UGH! I thought I was starting to cramp a little this morning but the moment I felt it, it was gone and has not returned. I guess Af will show up tomorrow, as it has the last two months, CD 29 turning into CD 1. I will temp this next cycle. I will confirm O and know where I am in my cycle. I just want my cycle to end with a positive test. I kind of feel numb about it all. No more hope even though AF hasn't shown and no more disappointment.

So Excited!!!

I am so excited. Right now, James and I live in a house he bought before we were married. I helped pick paint colors and some of the decor, but I wasn't involved in the house buying process. Tonight, we made an offer on a house that we both picked out and love! I'm sure they will counter-offer b/c we kind of lowballed, but I'm hoping that within the next week or so, we'll be doing the home inspection. The house seems to be in fantastic shape, it's only 9 years, but we've not found a single issue. Everything we went to do is cosmetic. What a blessing that we are able to take this step up. Here's just a few pictures of the house.



we call it the U of L basement b/c of the red and black stripes, which we love!

Praise You in this Storm

I was driving home from my sister's house tonight after watching U of L play like crap and was listening to a Casting Crowns cd. I was just "jamming" along and the song "Praise You in this Storm" came on. The music in the song is so powerful that it gives me chills every time I listen to it. Today, the words brought tears to my eyes. It often does when I haven't listened to it in a while, but today, it just hit home in a new way. As we are approaching the end of cycle 10, we don't know if yet again it will end in disappointment and bring along with it all the questions of why or if it will actually end with a positive test telling us we're pregnant. The end of cycle 10 is extremely close to cycle 12 which means 1 year of trying to get pregnant with no success. That is frightening and heartbreaking. This runs through my head all the time. Now that I'm anticipating the end of my cycle within the week, the I might be pregnant b/c of that symptom is starting. I'm trying very hard not to focus on that (and with us looking at new homes it's easier than expected). Those thoughts still cross my mind throughout the day. This is my struggle. This is my storm. My heart is torn b/c I trust in Him and have faith we'll have our own child, but it may not be His will. The song's in my playlist but here are the words.

Praise You In This Storm lyrics

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

A Few Things

Last Tuesday, James & I celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's already been 2 years since our wedding. On the flip side, I can't believe it's only been 2 years of marriage. I've married my best friend and I'm incredibly blessed. I love our life that we've made together!

We took a trip last week to Charleston, SC. I absolutely love it there and recommend that anyone who hasn't been, go!! I've told James several times that we have to move there when we retire! Granted, tropical storm Fay caused it to rain half the time we were there, it was great to get away!

At work, there is this one lady that tells me almost weekly that I'm going to get/be pregnant soon. They say it's in the water b/c at least one person at all times is pregnant in our office. At first, I liked hearing it b/c each time she said it, I hoped with all my heart she was right. One day last week I felt extremely sick and had to leave early. Before I left, 3 people stopped by my office and asked if I was pregnant. Ok, fine, I guess it's something they think about in an office with all women. Well, yesterday I felt terribly sick to my stomach and was eating crackers and drinking sprite and 5 women asked if I was pregnant. Ok, this is getting on my nerves. First off, I know they don't have a clue what we're going through, but even to someone not trying to get pregnant would get aggitated being asked so frequently. Secondly, what is it about a woman getting sick that automatically prompts the "are you pregnant?" question? I just want to be like, "listen, I'm just sick. I'm not pregnant and when I get pregnant, I'm not going to tell you right away anyway so back the crap off!" It would be so great to actually say that but of course I won't get even close. I just laugh it off and try the first clever response I can think of. I guess this is one of the issues a female deals with when they work in an office with all women.

A New Day

I'm feeling hopeful again. I guess I just needed to feel down last week so I would be able to appreciate the hope I have this cycle. Our 2nd anniversary is tomorrow and that makes me so happy and excited. We've been married for 2 years and we're trying to add a baby to that and it just makes me feel hopeful. Even though we've been trying at this for 10 cycles now and I feel down and sad sometimes, there is still hope that we will get pregnant soon and that is a blessing.

Shannon posted a while back about the Celine Dion song, "A New Day". I always thought that song was pretty before, but after she explained the meaning behind it, it made it so beautiful. When I woke up this morning I remembered I had a dream where that song was playing, but I don't remember the rest of the dream. The only thing I can remember is that song and the joy of those words. It almost feels like I didn't really have a dream so much as that song was just in my head in my sleep playing. Regardless, I woke up happy. It felt like a calm swept through and left me feeling excited about the possible outcome of this cycle. I like this feeling.

I don't know how to find the strength

So Friday, even though I knew it might be early, I tested. BFN, but not a big surprise. I still felt hopeful. We enjoyed our day at Graceland on Saturday and went back to the hotel to rest and get ready to go to Beale St. One time when I went to the bathroom, it appeared I had started spotting. Of course the disappointment started to slowly settle in. However, when I went the very next time, nothing. I've never ever experienced a cycle where the spotting was sporaic. When I spot, it's constant until AF comes in full force. So when it appeared the spotting was a fluke, I was excited and hopeful again. Each time I went to the bathroom, I monitored it and nothing the rest of the night. I got up today half expecting AF to be here but nothing. After breakfast, I once again had a one time spotting episode (unlike my usualy consistency) and nothing since. So in my head I'm thinking, ok, instead of starting, maybe this is my body's way of saying, there's something in here now. We had our trip home and the only thing I could think of for the 6 hour drive was I can't wait to get home and test. I thought of how I might react, how James would react, when we'd tell our families and how. I got myself worked up to see two pink lines when we got home. I came home, we tested, and one damn line. At this point, I went through two ways of thinking. The first thing I thought was ok, since I can't confirm O, maybe I had late ovulation and this was just implantation spotting. Then I thought, why even think that way? Why continue to be hopeful when it seems AF is just going to come.

I feel so many things right now, but the strongest emotion is defeat. Each cycle, no matter what the circumstances, I let myself think, "it's going to happen for us this month" and yet each month it doesn't. I don't know how to find the strength anymore to keep going through this. I feel like I'm letting James down because my body isn't doing what it should. I feel like I'm not doing my job as a woman. As irrational and untrue as these might be, I still feel that way. I want to have the full experience. I want to have the rush of emotions when I see the BFP. I want to see James going through those same emotions when he sees the test. I want to experience the joy on our parents faces when we tell them we're pregnant. I want to hear the heartbeat of the life growing inside of me. I want to feel the life growing inside of me and know just how blessed we are. I want to go shopping for maternity clothes and baby stuff. I want to register for items. I want to find out if we're having a boy or girl. I want to decorate his or her room. I want to watch James talk to the baby belly and see the excitement on his face when he does it. I want to feel the first kick and watch James experience feeling his first kick. I want to have a baby shower and celebrate with our families. I want to experience the delivery of our child and see him or her for the first time and feel all this love that I've never known. I want to see James hold our baby for the first time. I want to be parents, we want to be parents. I can't imagine not having these things and yet, it's so hard to imagine these. I took my last birth control pill in Oct 07. Here it is Aug 08 and still not pregnant. Maybe I'm just in a low moment right now, but I feel numb. Why isn't this happening for us?

Taking a trip

Tomorrow at 2 we're leaving for Memphis. James & I are taking my dad and step mom to Graceland. Dad is a huge Elvis fan and has never been so I'm excited to take him. There's just one issue. My cycle ends this weekend. It will either end with my BFP or AF. I didn't temp again this cycle so I can't tell when I O'd but all signs point to there being O. Tomorrow will be CD 26 so I'm hoping it won't be to early to test b/c I really want to test before we leave. James is picking me up from work so it doesn't give me time to go home from work and test before meeting up with the parents. So here's the plan. I'll get up tomorrow at 6:15, test with FMU. If it's positive, praise God, if it's not, I'll pack to prepare for AF's arrival. If no AF by the time we return on Sunday, I'll be testing again. I'm excited and nervous. I want to end cycle 9 with two pink lines! If I get them, I'll post before leaving for work :)

Guilty of this

The series at church they did this month has been the most meaningful of any sermons they've done. They called it "The gods at war" referring to idolatry and the things of this world we worship and have turned into gods in our lives. They talked about money, pleasure and love. This was the most profound and meaningful series. It made every single person in the sanctuary stop and think of the things in their lives that have become more important than their relationship with God. I didn't have to think too hard about the most important thing in my life: my desire for a child and to be a mother. I had even written, I think in my featured couple profile, that the thing I wanted more than anything in this world was to be a mother. I had it plainly in writing. It never occurred to me that I was placing wanting a child above my relationship/love of my Lord. Another point in the sermon was that God does one of two things when we place something or someone above him. We will either encounter His active wrath or passive wrath. Passive wrath is when God removes His blessings from that part of our lives and well, active wrath is self explanatory. Is that what I'm experiencing, a passive wrath of God? Has my desire for a child, the want to be a mother become so important in my life that God has removed His blessing so I can refocus on Him and then He will bless us with a child? Of course I can't answer that, but it makes sense. As a Christian, I have given my life to Christ and He is my reason for everything. But as a Christian, when we get lost on our walk, and find other things sitting on the thrown of our hearts instead of our Lord, we will see His wrath. I pray that this is not why we are not pregnant. I pray this is our cycle, but most importantly, I pray that I will continue to strengthen my relationship and nothing will be more important to me than Him!



Over the weekend, we had some friends Jeff and Megan over and their little baby Peyton. She is a doll. Two things happened during our get together that stuck with me. They got pregnant on their 10th cycle. Megan was telling me about one of her friends that got pregnant their very first month. She then said something that made me think. She said that even though she knows how much her friend will love and appreciate their baby, but not as much as someone that has been trying and unsuccessful for months. It made sense b/c I know how much I will love and cherish our little one b/c we've been waiting for so long. On the other hand, just b/c we've been waiting longer than someone else, does that mean we'll appreciate our baby more? I don't know.
The other instance was something Jeff said. I don't remember how we got on the subject but he told me that in 7 days, we'd find out we are pregnant. This was on Friday night which would make next Friday 7 days, the day I plan on testing. Of course he had no idea about my cycle or that we'd be testing, which made it crazier to me. Someone at work told me I was going to get pregnant and Jeff told me we're going to find out we're pregnant. I don't want to read too much into it, but come on. How ironic is that? One thought is that God is telling me to relax b/c He is blessing us with a child. Another thought is that I'm entirely too gullible. Either way, I hope they're right!

Out of the Blue

I work with all women. We've had 3 women just come back from maternity leave, one about to go, and one 12 weeks pregnant. They say it's in the water. How great for me! At work today, I was just working away minding my own business, and one of my coworkers came in my office and said "jeanbean, you know what's going to happen while you're working here, right?" I was like, oh gosh, what is she talking about. I just looked at her and was like, "uh no". She looked at me and said with a straight face, "you're going to get pregnant". Well thanks, that's great to hear. I wanted to respond with I hope so, but I was just like, well I do hear it's in the water. We kind of laughed it off, but man I hope she's telling me something.
Tonight, James and I went and spent some time with the triplets(they belong to his friend). They are the cutest little kids. I didn't want to leave them. When it was bedtime, they were all kisses. Man, I can't wait for those moments with our own!

I Believe

Sunday I was listening to the Christian band "Barlow Girl" in the car and heard the song "I Believe". I've always loved that song, but this time it had more meaning to me than before. I listened to the words and it felt like they were just for me. We have no way of knowing why we're not blessed with a child when we want, when we feel ready. To us, it's a guessing game. Our prayers feel unanswered. Sometimes we feel angry and other times just so sad. But for me, no matter what, I still believe. This song says everything I'm feeling.

I Believe

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and the silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and the silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I,
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.

Featured Couple

Yesterday I was trying to check to see if I could get to the nest from work and thenestbaby homepage loaded up. I saw we are the featured couple. How exciting! When I tried to click on the story to read it, work blocks everything past the homepage, but it was still cool to see us there. I wanted to call my sister and a few friends and be like "hey look at us" but of course I couldn't. That was a little disappointing that I couldn't share it with them, but I'll print it out and share after we've gotten our + hpt.

So here we are, Saturday morning, CD 27 and no sign of AF. I decided to go ahead and test. One lonely pink line staring back at me. Ugh! I have no phantom symptoms, no AF symptoms. There's nothing else I can do but just wait around and see if AF shows up. If not, I might test Monday. This is the only "problem" I've encountered in not charting. I don't know how many days past ovulation I am (assuming I've ovulated). Although, since we've started trying, I've kept track of my cycle length and 28 is the longest I've had so I'm kind of playing off that right now. If I go past 28 days I'll consider myself late. That's all I can do. I have decided if I do start, I'm going to take another month off of charting. This is definitely the most relaxed I've felt since cycle 1. I feel more in control instead of consumed by all things TTC. That leaves more room for me to focus on my two favorite hobbies: making jewelry and painting. I have a canvas hanging in my bathroom all sketched out but not painted. Time to finish that up plus I have to start making the jewelry I promised my sister I'd have done by October so she could throw jewelry party. Time to enjoy the weekend.

A little bit of relief each time

I do not like to feel unprepared when it comes to AF. I like to make sure my purse has the necessities for it and when to start watching out for it. Being that I'm not charting this month, I wanted to count 28 days to figure out when to start the look out process. I didn't do it for any other reason, however, once I counted out the 28 days and saw day 27 & 28 were Saturday and Sunday, my next thought was about testing. As stupid as this sounds, I haven't even mentioned it to James for fear of jinxing myself and AF showing up early. I keep praying this is our cycle. I guess we'll see Saturday morning. Since my cycle was only 25 days last month, I figured day 27 would be a good day to test. (Of course I won't know how many dpo's I am but oh well)

I have that weird "feeling" AF might be coming. The feeling that I've started, but there's nothing there. I've felt a little bit of relief each time I've gone to the bathroom b/c I haven't started yet. Half the time that relief is followed by a little prayer asking God to bless our marriage with a baby. All in all, though, this cycle has been at least 50% less crazy. Let me rephrase. I'VE been at least 50% less crazy this cycle. Taking it easy this cycle has been good for me. If we're not pregnant this time, I'm taking another month off from charting. It's been good for my mental health. I'm not creating phantom symptoms so I'm happy about that. I've felt extremely exhausted yesterday and today and of course the first thought was symptom but I quickly shot that down. My pants fit tighter today than they did last week when I wore them and as much as I wanted it to be a phantom symptom, I know it was just the birthday cheesecake I've had. I'm hoping for the next 3 days I'll remain as calm as I have stayed and Saturday will come with no AF and I'll test and see the two beautiful most precious pink lines ever!!

Had a Great Birthday!!

Before I talk about anything else, I just want to say I love our flowers. I do not have a green thumb but we planted some flowers/bushes this year and they're looking great. I LOVE taking botanical photos and wanted to share a few of my favs.


So I enjoyed my birthday!! The morning was spent having a facial with my MIL. After that we had lunch before I met up with my sister. We had massages that afternoon. It was such a relaxing day. We went for pizza (my fav) and bowling that night. To finish up, we had chocolate cheesecake! Here is my favorite shot of the night and my favorite gift!

The countdown is on!

Normally my birthday is at least a week long celebration. This year, the lead up has been disappointing. Let me explain. My parents are divorced and they have been for about 8 years. My dad is remarried and I get along well with my step mom and step sister. Heck, I call her my sister most of the time instead of stepsister. Whenever anyone has a birthday we always go to dinner and then have cake. I usually celebrate with my mom on a different day with my sister and her husband. I expected nothing different this year. However, when my mom called to find out the birthday plans, I told her we were doing dinner with dad and then going bowling and we'd get together Sunday for church and lunch, she got mad. She got right off the phone, almost hanging up on me. I don't know why. It makes me a little made and mostly upset b/c we've always done things separately and for some reason she picks this year to get mad about it. I tried to cancel the birthday festivities but James wouldn't let that fly. So, I'm not sure how things will go with my mom on Sunday and honestly, I'm not looking forward to it.

Poor J, he's been lacking sleep and today was no different. Apparently he worked 3 hours of OT after his shift, went birthday shopping and came home and crashed. He crashed leaving my presents on the table for me to find when I came home. I didn't look in the bags, but I know I got the Anne Taylor perfume b/c their bag was on the table, and a NY & Co gift card b/c it was in a clear bag. He felt bad about leaving them out so of course I'm not going to give him a hard time, but I was a tiny bit disappointed that there won't be any surprises.

On a lighter note, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the "Bleeding Love" dance from last week's So You Think You Can Dance. It's still on the DVR and I won't let him delete it. It gives me chills every time I watch it. You should totally watch it if possible!!

Hopeful

Although I won't be able to confirm, I'm hopeful there will be ovulation this month because I'm cramping. Other than the EWCM, I wouldn't have thought it was that time of the cycle already. I'm thankful for that. I can tell James feels more relaxed simply because I do. There isn't the routine feeling to sex this cycle. It feels like it did the first month when we were enjoying ourselves in the moment and there wasn't any pressure to make it happen. I think that's the biggest relief, we're not feeling the pressure. I'm hoping that's working in our favor. My birthday is Saturday (yeah baby) and even though I'm not naive enough to think implantation would occur on my birthday, it would be the best birthday ever if at the end of this cycle, we got our BFP. I'm just feeling hopeful.

They're taking over

So, I've discovered two addictions I have and they're taking over my life. I would normally be upset however, in the midst of it taking up all my time, I've been able to relax and not think about TTC at all. (other than the lovin!!) This no charting business is for me!

First, I am in LOVE with the Twilight series. I have never read a book where I felt so connected to the characters. You feel the butterflies when they do. The nervous feelings and "new love" stuff they experienced were all things I/we experienced when first falling in love or in like with a new boy. I was able to relate to those moments which connected me like to this book like I was not expecting. I have told everyone I know about these books and have been able to pull a few on the Twilight bandwagon. I'm so excited about the movie, I'm literally counting down to 12/12/08.

Second, Facebook sucks you in. I didn't want to get a profile on the site b/c I knew I would want to be on it more than I should. That's how I've been with the nest. Boy was I right. I've had it a week tomorrow and I'm on it more than I want to be. Even James said I was addicted, just after about 2 or 3 days. It's ridiculous. I am "reconnecting" with people I haven't thought about in 8 years, since we graduated. That aspect is nice. It's cool to see how everyone has grown up: some are married, some have kids, some are just following their dreams. My page is decked out with everything Twilight I can find. It's fabulous :)

The countdown to my birthday is on!!!!! 8 more days baby! ~OH YEAH~

Taking a Break

I've decided to take a break from charting this month. Last month was hard on me and I want to try something new this cycle in hopes of relaxing. After confirming ovulation last month, I didn't temp the rest of the cycle. It was nice not waking up every morning concerned about getting the thermometer before I could pee. I got used to not temping and loved it. Once AF showed up, I attempted to temp again but lacked both the motivation and want. When I woke up this morning I decided that for now, I've had enough. The only thing I plan to do is take my vitamins and have lots of sex for the next two weeks. If that doesn't work, at least nothing was wasted.

"Go make a baby"

Wednesday I had the thyroid ultrasound since my TSH levels were normal. I asked why I had to have it and the nurse said it was b/c the dr felt something and wanted it checked out. Okay, that makes since. I was in and out within about 15-20 minutes, including time to sign the preregistration forms. I asked the u/s tech about how long it would take for the dr to get the results and she said by the next morning. My doc is usually on top of things so I expected to hear from her before the weekend. Thursday afternoon I got a call from my GYN and she told me the ultrasound was clear and everything looked good. She then said, "now go make a baby". I just laughed and said we'd keep trying. That's why I love my doctor. So what are we going to do now? Follow the doctor's orders and make a baby!

Bitch

AF came yesterday and I was effing pissed. I wanted to scream and cry but I was at work and just held it in. 11dpo is not the day to get AF. I so wanted to test with the girls on Thursday. I pray that they get their BFP's even if I wasn't part of it. That would make me so happy. I just feel nothing today. It's time for the Bitch to get out of town so I can have lots of sex--that always makes me feel good.

Father's Day

So it's Father's day and I'm struggling with the notion, to test or not to test. I'm 10dpo and know if I tested it would be negative, but just the slight chance of getting to tell James Happy Father's Day makes me want to put the computer down and run to the bathroom. I'm trying to hold off until Thursday. We'll see if I make it all day without testing. If I had a dollar tree test I would've already tested, but the thought of wasting the "expensive" first response makes me hesitant. I guess this is what I have to look forward to all day.

Yesterday my sister and her husband got a dog. A little miniature pincher named Chief. We went to Feeder's Supply to get all the necessary items and Kelly was just going crazy wanting to get this and that. She kept saying you're going to be my spoiled little baby. It was so cute. Watching her made me think of how I wish that was me, getting ready to spoil my baby. Then when I was on my way home I was listening to my ipod and Sara Evan's "Backseat of a Greyhound Bus" came on. I love that song and was singing along until I broke down crying. She sang, "on the backseat of a greyhound heart so full that it could bust, staring at the rest of her life" tears just starting streaming down my face. I wasn't really thinking of anything, just singing, but I guess that part just got to me b/c I want that. I want to have my heart full of love for our little baby knowing that he/she is the center of our world. I never expected to ever cry on that song, but it just hit me last night. Thanks a lot Sara Evans.

Trying to stay relaxed

Yesterday I got a phone call from my dr's office saying my TSH levels were normal but the dr did feel something on my thyroid and wants an ultrasound done. It's scheduled for Wednesday. I talked to a friend who's a nurse and she said it's no big deal, if there is something there, it can be controlled with meds. I also talked to a speech therapist at work and she basically said the same thing. I tend to get worked up when it comes to medical stuff. I can make myself very nervous and freak out before getting all of the information. I'm trying very hard not to do that.

I want to relax this 2ww, but I'm finding myself struggling with that. I want more than anything for this to be our cycle, but I don't want to let little things get me worked up. Putting things out of my head only works for a little while and then when I'm not thinking about things, here they come again. I don't want this to be another one of those cycles where I've convinced myself that I am only to find out I am not. However, I feel like all the signs are pointing to yes, all the dots are connecting. Yup, sounds like I'm convincing myself I am. Let me lay it out to get it out of my head and once seeing it written, I'll realize how crazy I am.

A)My friend Brande really got to me when she called the other night. Telling me she thinks I'm going to get pregnant this cycle when I'm already hopeful, she's just fueling the fire. I hadn't talked to her in several weeks and for her to call me up like that, it's just ironic. B)I had a sharp pain in my lower abdomen on my right side. It had a dull pain for about a day in the same spot. I'm calling it a cramp but it didn't feel like my "usual" AF cramp. C)My boobs are extremely sensitive and heavy. D)I just feel different this cycle. E)I'm praying that b/c Shannon, Lindsey and I are all testing the same time this cycle so I'm thinking we're good luck charms for each other.
Ok, now that I have that out of my system, let me argue what I just said.
A)So what she called. A friend can call out of the blue and it mean nothing more than she just wanted to call and say Good Luck. B)You had a cramp or maybe gas pains. It doesn't mean you're pregnant, it means you had a pain. C)Your boobs are sore almost every month. It's not a symptom of anything other than being a woman. D)You feel different b/c you want to feel different. There's nothing more to it. E)Good Luck to us all!!

Ok, I feel better.

Yesterday was crazy

I don't know how else to describe it. I had my GYN appointment, my annual but while I was there, I wanted to discuss with her that we are TTC. We went through info I guess they give to all women TTC, but they were things I've already learned from TCOYF or from the nest. Before getting started with the exam, she felt my thyroid and said it felt slightly bigger than normal. I hate the word normal. I had blood drawn at the lab and they're supposed to call with the results. She said she wanted to check it b/c it can cause difficulty with getting pregnant. Now this is what I'm confused about. She said if the thyroid levels are normal, they're going to do an ultrasound just to make sure. When I told James, he questioned me saying if they're abnormal they should do an ultrasound. Now I'm not sure. Guess I'll find out when they call with the results. I did have tests done, including thyroid about 2 months ago and they were perfectly fine then, so we'll see. I'm not going to worry. Like I said, I want to take it easy this 2ww. I'm not even going to open FF unless AF shows up, which she won't. Easy and breezy from here on out.

During dinner last night, a friend from high school, Brande, that I try to keep up with called me. It was out of the blue. She was one of the first of the few people we told about TTC b/c she had just gone through the same thing. One of her other friends, Kristen, had also started TTC about the same time as us. When she called she said, I just wanted to tell you Kristen and I were talking about TTC and you as well and I really think you're going to get pregnant. Brande works for the same company that I just quit and said now that the stress of that place is no longer affecting me, she really thinks it's going to happen for us. She called just to tell me that. I thought it was so cute and sweet of her. Lifted my spirits from the dr visit earlier in the day. Oh how I hope and pray she's right. This really should be our cycle!

"I didn't know I was pregnant"

Ok, so that's the title of a show I watched last night on Discovery Health. Before I watched it, I thought there was just no way possible someone could not know they were pregnant. Well, there were 5 women on the show that didn't. Even after watching the show, it still just doesn't seem right. Some women didn't experience any extra weight gain, none of them seemed to feel the baby/babies kick, they didn't have any symptoms or didn't realize they were pregnancy related. None of them knew they were in labor. I'm still in shock.

All I have to say is that I hope when it's my time, this cycle!, I relish in it and cherish all the moments possible. I wouldn't want to go through pregnancy, something as I woman I look forward to, and not know what's going on. I want to remember it and record the precious moments. I want to see the two pink lines. I want to go to my first appointment and have the OB confirm I'm pregnant. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want to buy maternity clothes. I want to tell our families. I want to watch my baby grow. I want to find out the sex of the baby if possible. I want to call the baby by name and decorate the nursery just for him or her. I want to go into labor and know that what I'm experiencing is the miracle of birth. I pray that I will be blessed with all of these things. I just can't imagine not knowing I'm pregnant.

The 2 Week Wait

Well, today I got my cross hairs and I'm showing 3DPO. That means I'm into the 2ww. It's exciting knowing that at the end of the 2 weeks we could find out we're pregnant. It's also torture b/c I tend to silently overanalyze the phantom symptoms and as much as I know it means nothing, sometimes I do get swept up in the thoughts. Taking my temps and watching them closely adds to the madness so I decided after my GYN appointment on Tuesday, I'm not temping the rest of the 2ww. I'm very excited about it.

(Totally off the subject but I just saw an awesome commercial. It was on Discovery Health and it was advertising for Planet Green. This naked lady was in line at the bank, naked, talking to the guy behind her in line about saving energy by running the A/C less by not wearing clothes. She then said, look even the security guard is green. He said, "nope, just naked". It was hilarious!!)

With Father's Day being next Sunday, I was hoping it would be around 12dpo and I could test, but nope. I'll only be 10dpo and it just seems pointless to test that early. I really don't want to give in, but it would be the best Father's Day gift ever! I wish I could give that to James more than anything. I do plan to get a blank card and write him a little message for Father's day. When we were looking for mother's day cards, I did see one for future mothers. I thought that was awesome. I don't remember what it said but it was nice to know there are cards or at least 1 card made for women like me (and my GP girls).

Baby Names

While my sister, Kelly, was at work we were emailing back and forth. She does not know we're TTC. She wanted to talk baby names and well, I don't need much convincing on that subject so we did. She mentioned the girl name her and her H (Brandon) had decided on was Autumn. It just so happens that it was mentioned to me that my cousin Brandon and his gf decided when they get married and have kids, they want to use the name Autumn for a girl. That got me to thinking. Technically you can't lay claim to a name. It just doesn't work that way, but what happens when two people in the family want to use the same name? It happened in our family, except they were different genders. I have a boy cousin Jordan and a girl cousin Jordan. It worked for them b/c we call her Jordan Lee when we have family functions.

Kelly said if they have a girl first, they're going to use the name. I can argue both sides of that. If I/we had decided use a name and then someone else used it, I'd be pissed. Not sure if I'd want to use it after that. On the other hand, if we had decided on a name and someone else wanted it too but we had the baby first, I can totally see it being fair-like a first dibs kind of thing. I have mixed feelings. That's why I told my sister and my cousins Brittany and April the names we picked out so they know we are planning to use them. These are the only family members that are talking children. If you want to use them, beware. We are sticking to these names no matter what!

James and I have the same views on most things. Babies are no exception. We decided we both want to know the sex of the baby. We want to have the room decorated (eventhough there's no guarantee until you see your baby). Once we know the sex, we want to call the baby by name instead of baby or it. Of course we have no idea what pregnancy is going to be like, but we want to make it as personal (for lack of a better word) as possible. When we're talking to others or to the baby, we want to use the name we've chosen. I'm excited about that. For this reason, I'm hoping the 20 wk u/s, the little one will give us a peep show so we can find out.

Boys: I always thought I wanted a girl first. I love all the girlie things but we have a lot of boys in our family and when we got to discussing names, we agreed on boys names, three of them, easily. Being around little boys, my views have changed and I want a little boy just as much as a little girl. I don't have a preference, just a healthy one of course.
Since my maiden name is Thomas, I wanted to use that. I do not like it as a first name, but want to use it as the middle name. J & I agreed initially on Nathan and Lucas. I've always liked Nathan a little more, love the nickname Nate, and Nathan Thomas sounds better than Lucas Thomas so Nathan Thomas B is our boy name. Since twins run in the family, we wanted to pick out two names for each. J's middle name is Ross so we have another middle name. Lucas Ross B or Grant Ross B, not sure which. We like them both.

Girls: Like I said, I love all things girlie. The pinks, the outfits, thinking of doing their hair and taking them to dance class. So in thinking of names, I wanted something that wasn't too cutsie. A name that will sound good on a baby or older lady. I also wanted something that has the potential for a nickname. We don't want to use the nickname predominantly, but wanted something we could use for short. The name we decided upon, Camille Rose. I love it. It just sounds classic to me. Cami would be the nickname and at this point, neither of the two are popular in our area. Honestly, I haven't heard it used at all really. I like that. We haven't chosen a 2nd girl name in case of twins. Guess we'll figure that out if the situation presents itself.

So those are our baby names. We can't wait to use them :)
What have you picked out?

3 Bundles of Joy

Tonight James and I went over to his friend's house to visit his family. They have triplets, two girls and a boy. They're 2 and 1/2 and absolutely adorable. We both just love spending time with them and tonight was no exception. They just run around and want you to play with them. It was so cute every time you'd ask if they wanted to play something or do something, they'd say "No". They wanted to teach you to play how they play. We got to participate in their bedtime routine. We played during bath time, helped dress and lotion them, and I got to dry the girls' hair. Then just before they laid down, we got kisses and hugs. It was the sweetest thing. Oh how I love being around kids. I'm so ready to be a mom. (and all that it brings)

Come on ovaries, O

You know you want to. Make it count this month. I've had a good amount of EWCM the past two days so I know you're in the mood. You're causing me some cramps so I know you're thinking about it. Ovulate. Just let it go. Release that egg.
Egg: Now when all the sperm come out to meet you, don't be afraid. They're your friends. They're going to try to snuggle with you and that's ok. It is your job to make them feel welcome. Open your doors and let one or two of them in. It's a simple job, but I need you to do that for me. Now, once you've let one in I'm gonna need you to find your way down to the uterus and when you get there, stick. Hold tight to the wall and do not let go. Hold on for dear life! Please do this for us!

So last night I had one of the most realistic dreams I've ever had. My dad, sister, and BIL were all at my house. James had just left for work. I was 12dpo and wanted to test, so I did. I had J on the phone and almost immediately I saw two pink lines. The second line was as dark as the control so there was no mistaking it. At first I didn't believe it. I've never seen a second line show up before so of course it would be shocking. Once I realized it meant we were pregnant I broke down crying, almost hysterically. My sister came back in the bathroom to see why I was so upset and saw the test and shouted out, right in front of BIL, "you're pregnant?!?" Of course she was just excited but I was kind of upset that she already had inadvertently told someone I wasn't ready to tell. But then I snapped out of it and remembered J was on the phone and I said you need to come home immediately. He walked in the door, saw me crying and we fell to the floor hugging and crying. The emotion I felt in this dream was so real. Then the damn alarm clock went off and it woke me up. It took me a minute or two to realize it was just a dream. I had to wipe away the tears that I cried during my sleep; my pillow was welt. The pain I felt from realizing it wasn't real was just as much if not more than getting a negative test. I realize dreams are a part of life and if you're trying for a baby, you're bound to have a dream related to that. However, it feels to me, at this moment, like it's just one more thing to f*ck with your head. I guess I'm just bummed. Oh well, guess I'll be ovulating today or tomorrow and praying that one of those little suckers makes their way in :)

First Day

Today was the first day at my new job. Well, today and tomorrow are just orientation days at the main campus. I don't go to my facility and start my actual position until Wednesday. Orientation was pleasant, believe it or not. They seem really excited and passionate about what they do. I've never experienced that at any company I've worked for. The best thing about today, benefits. I know that sounds crazy b/c who enjoys listening about insurance plans. Normally I'd agree but today I learned something that could potentially be very important. One of the insurance plans offered covers infertility treatments. I pray it will not come to that, but if we are faced with that in the future, I'm so thankful to know it will be covered. I know some insurance companies do not cover any kind of assistance in getting pregnant so I'm just excited. Again, I pray it will not come to that, but it's peace of mind for now.

So, next week is the appointment with my Gyn. I've been thinking about it. I'll be happy to share everything with my doc and see what she has to say. Knowing that I've been charting and can take that to her and she can see my cycle history is slightly comforting. After thinking about it, I was glad I decided to finish charting this month so I'll have one more cycle to show her but I've decided next month we're taking off. Next month we're just going to do what we did the first month. Have lots of sex and have fun with it. No BBT, no mention of a temp, no checking CM. There will be none of that. I'm looking forward to what the doctor has to say, see what the direction we'll go in.

I can't say it out loud

Friday I spent the day with my cousin Brittany and her two kids. I love these kids. I babysat the oldest, Brayden for a few months after Britt went back to work when her maternity leave was over and I was in the delivery room when Kylee was born. I don't see them as much as I would like, but I do love these kids. As much as I love them, it was hard spending the day there.
Every time Kylee smiled or Brayden called out for his Mommy, I ached inside. I want to see the smile on the face of my child and hear them call me Mommy. I played with them for a little while and then they went down for their nap. Then Britt and I got the chance to talk. Of course I didn't tell her we're trying, but for the sake of the conversation we had, I wanted to. It would've been easier and maybe the things she said wouldn't have been said.
She's a teacher and her mom is retired and watches the kids. Brittany made a comment about it being easier to teach middle school than to take care of her 2 kids. I just wanted to shout out, but at least you were blessed with two healthy babies. We talked about her pregnancies and she said she hated being pregnant. I wanted to say, I'd give anything to be pregnant. She was talking about maybe wanting a 3rd and she'd like to time it so she'd be pregnant during the school year and have the baby over summer vacation. If only it were that easy. She got pregnant her first month off BCP with Brayden and on her 2nd month with Kylee. Without jealousy I must ask, Why was it that easy for her and not me? She kept telling me that the longer I wait, the harder it's going to be on my body. I'm not waiting, believe me. It's not my choice that I'm not pregnant now. It's not up to me. Everything I felt after this conversation was purely out of frustration, not towards her. I'm sure if she knew what I was going through, our chat would've taken a different route.

I can't do it. I can't tell anyone. I don't want to say we're trying and having trouble. I don't want to say we're on month 7 and still no luck. I had to reschedule my annual GYN appointment and on the phone I told the girl that along with my annual exam, I wanted to discuss that we've been trying to get pregnant for 7 cycles and it still hasn't happened. It brought me to tears to say it out loud. I couldn't imagine the unsolicited advice I would get from certain members of the family. I wouldn't want to deal with the looks of pity. The idea of hearing, "If you just relax it will happen" makes me sick. I saw the Sex and the City movie today. One line from the movie struck a cord with me. (Otherwise I loved it) Charlotte announced she was pregnant and said something along the lines that everyone always says to relax and it will happen and as soon as they stopped trying, it happened for them. Granted it was just a movie, but people believe it. I think it's BS. At the end of this cycle, I want to take the test, see the two pink lines and realize that we have been blessed to be having a baby. I pray that this will happen for us this cycle (and for all the girls on GP).

Baby Belly

Over the past week, it seems as if my eyes are drawn to all the pregnant bellies any where I am. I don't look for them, my eyes just automatically find them. It's been so frustrating for me, but today I spent the morning with my pregnant cousin. Family is just a different story. With her, I don't feel anything but excited. I'm not sure if it's just that I know her and that the baby will be a part of our family or what, but there's nothing but joy in my heart. I do not feel envious, I do not feel mad when I'm with her, I have no negative feelings. I spent the morning happy. It's so reassuring to feel that way after the pain my heart has felt lately. I got to feel her belly and oh how I want a baby belly of my own. I got to feel excited today and it was so refreshing. It's nice to feel like I'm out of this negative "funk" I've been in for the last week or two. Cycle 7 has had me really down. Spending time with April, the belly, and her little boy Evan was just great for me. It was the attitude adjustment that I needed!!

I'm not sure how to answer the "when are you going to have kids" questions any more. I also spent some time with a different cousin, Brittany, and aunt this morning. Each of them asked me when we're going to have kids. I just don't know what to say anymore. My response today was, "my eggs are still good until about 32, so we have time". Of course I wanted to shout out, I want them, more than I can possibly explain to anyone, it's just not happening. It's even hard to listen to their responses to whatever answer I came up with at that moment. Some times I think it would just be easier to tell people. Then I snap out of it and realize it not be easier at all and I'm thankful we've only told a few people we trust with our secret and our feelings. Hopefully this will be our cycle!!!

Frustation is getting the best of me

Not sure why, maybe it's b/c I've been sick and AF has been here, but I've been extremely moody this past week. I've had little to no patience. After the in laws left (had a cookout for the holiday) I decided to hop on the nest to chill out. It's almost like therapy for me sometimes-it relaxes me. Well, tonight that didn't really happen. I read back through the posts to see what I had missed and there were BFP's from people who I've never seen or who've been there a just a couple of weeks. Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy for anyone who gets pregnant that wants it b/c it's such a blessing. However, for those of us who've been trying for a while and sharing our stories with each other, it's like a slap in the face. My initial thought is to respond with "Who are you?" Someone else beat me to it, though. How dare you pop on a board that's for women trying to get pregnant, not know anyone and announce you have what we all hope and pray for? How dare you throw that in our faces and then disappear? If you're a lurker, you should know better than to just announce yourself and your BFP at the same time.

It's just so frustrating. I feel like on one hand I'm being mean, getting mad at these girls. It's not a jealousy issue at all. It's just getting old. On the other hand, I feel like they're just being rude to us. Some of the women there, myself included, are only sharing this part of their lives with others on the nest and no one or very few people in real life. You get to know some of them and want it just as badly for them as you do for yourself and when someone does a "driveby BFP" you want to slap them for the others just as much as for yourself. This goes both ways. When someone you "know" gets their positive HPT, you want to rejoice with them. Oh well. Like I said, maybe I'm just moody or maybe at this stage, I'm just tired of the ignorance.

All it takes is a little Sunny D

So J and I were grocery shopping, both of us in a bad mood. There were a few pregnant ladies walking around looking all cute and I was crying inside. One lady was about my size, around my age, and hugely cute. I took in a deep breath and let it out and I could see out of the corner of my eye J staring at me. He knew exactly what I was thinking. Well, as we're walking through the orange juice section he says, "We're doing this all wrong. You need to drink a gallon of Sunny D and take 3 tests. That's all it takes. We're going about this the wrong way." It was cute, his referencing Juno. It made me laugh. Of coures, I had to explain to him that drinking before taking a test isn't recommended so you don't dilute anything, but it was still funny.

I'm contemplating not temping this month. I'm on CD 3 and I didn't temp this morning. This week I'm not working and then next week I start my new job and I'm not sure I want to bother temping. My cycles range between 26 and 28 days and I usually O on day 13. If we don't temp, I won't know for sure, but I could guesstimate about when things are happening. I want to just relax and take it easy this month. I want to get back to the having fun part of trying. As much as I'd like to think it would be carefree, I'm also afraid it would drive me crazy. The overanalyzing might be replaced with worry and "what if's". I'm not sure what I want to do. I just know as sad as I've felt the last couple of days, I need to do something to chill out. Guess I'll sit down and have a discussion with James and see what he thinks. He is a part of this too after all.

Rational Thoughts

There was a post on the nest this evening asking if anyone convinces themselves every month they're pregnant. My first cycle I was totally convinced and there were a few reasons. First off, I've been on BCP for years and had no idea what kind of pms symptoms I would have or even that they also mirror pregnancy symptoms. I was so excited that we were trying that I think I would've bet money that we were, even though the test was negative. We weren't temping so I didn't have anything to give or take away the hope I had. I hadn't read TCOYF so I didn't really know what to expect or how things were REALLY working. It's amazing what you don't know about your body as a woman until you read that book. This was confirmed to me when I was talking to my sister and her husband and they thought you ovulate on the last day of your period. We had our very own little science lesson right there. My third cycle I had also convinced myself we were pregnant. The disappointment I felt after both of those let downs was enough for me to decide I didn't want to go through it again, at least at that emotional level.

So my response to this post was "I was thoroughly convinced two separate cycles and the disappointment and depression that followed was too much that now even if I think there's a chance, I follow that up with a thought rational thought. It works, most of the time." Now thinking back I have to ask myself, is there anything rational about what we think and experience while trying to conceive? I try very hard to think a "rational thought" (as James says) after every "this might be a pregnancy symptom" thought. It's not rational though, it's madness. We ride on this emotional rollercoaster for 27 days or longer each cycle and do and say what we can to keep from going crazy. Thoughts race and as much as you don't want to think them, they do surface, even if just for a fleeting moment. Did it happen? Am I really nauseous? Are my boobs a little bit more sore than last month? What if I'm not? How long will it take? The only end to this madness is seeing the two pink lines, getting the BFP. Although, I'm sure that brings on a different kind of madness. A madness I pray very soon I'll get to experience myself!

Mixed Emotions

I've had mixed emotions today. Emotion 1: Happy. It was my last day at a job I've truly hated for at least a year now. I absolutely love my coworkers and think that was the main reason I didn't want to leave. However, the anxiety I experienced by working there became too much and I just couldn't stay there anymore. Today was wonderful. I didn't do a whole lot of work and was so excited knowing that when I walked out of there today, I wouldn't have to go back. Such joy. I promise you, I'm not overexaggerating. The funny thing is, by the end of the day, I had lost my voice so it was hard to say my goodbyes. Guess that was due to the sinus drainage I'm having. I told one friend, the place had my sanity, might as well take my voice on my last day too.

Emotion 2: Sadness. I started today. Guess that means we really are starting cycle 7. I knew it was coming b/c my temps had dropped, but once it arrived, I just felt so sad. I just never would've thought it would take this long. I suppose I need to look at the positive, now we can get started on the next cycle.

Last night I felt like such a bad person. We went out to eat for Griff's bday (BIL) and it seemed like almost every pregnant lady in KY was following me. I know that's ridiculous of course, but when you want something with all of your heart, you see it everywhere. I was feeling depressed about it and said something to J, he didn't take it well. I can't remember exactly what I said, something alone the lines like "Why do I keep seeing all of these pregnant women every where I go? It's making me mad". (maybe mad was the wrong word to use, but it was used nonetheless) He told me I was being mean. I wasn't trying to be mean, just express that I was hurting and it came out wrong to him. I didn't try to explain myself to him b/c we were with his family, but I felt worse after that. I cried a little bit when we got home, but luckily he was busy and didn't notice. I know I'm very blessed and try not to dwell on things, but the past couple of days have been emotional.

Is AF coming??

When J & I started TTC, we had no idea the journey ahead of us. I guess I was naive to think we wouldn't have any trouble, that it would just happen right away. I've talked to a few of my friends and family that are about my age to see how long it took them. I was shocked. 3 cycles was the longest of those I asked. Are you kidding me? It's no wonder I'm surprised we're finishing out cycle 6 and still no BFP. At the end of each cycle, I feel differently. Sometimes I'm more disappointed than others, but now I'm finding myself just frustrated. It shouldn't have to be this hard. I do my very best to refrain from thinking "it's not fair". I realize life isn't fair, but it just seems that for people who want a baby, to be parents, so badly (and i'm not just talking about J & I) it shouldn't be so difficult. I know it's all in God's time, His will, and that's so hard to understand sometimes. I just pray for comfort, understanding, and of course, the positive test.

Now, I'm 13 dpo, had a negative test yesterday and I'm torn. I want to start to get this next cycle going, but seeing "Cycle 7" just freaks me out a bit. My temp is way down today and I'm not going to be hopeful and think it's just b/c I had a fever yesterday and now I'm on antibiotics. I know it's b/c AF is coming. J is disappointed, I can see it in his face even though he won't say it. He thinks he has to be strong to make it easier on me. I know it breaks his heart a little every month when I tell him it hasn't happened. It feels like one big roller coaster ride. The ups and downs of being hopeful and then realizing it didn't happen. Now we continue our waiting game.