Hopeful

Although I won't be able to confirm, I'm hopeful there will be ovulation this month because I'm cramping. Other than the EWCM, I wouldn't have thought it was that time of the cycle already. I'm thankful for that. I can tell James feels more relaxed simply because I do. There isn't the routine feeling to sex this cycle. It feels like it did the first month when we were enjoying ourselves in the moment and there wasn't any pressure to make it happen. I think that's the biggest relief, we're not feeling the pressure. I'm hoping that's working in our favor. My birthday is Saturday (yeah baby) and even though I'm not naive enough to think implantation would occur on my birthday, it would be the best birthday ever if at the end of this cycle, we got our BFP. I'm just feeling hopeful.

They're taking over

So, I've discovered two addictions I have and they're taking over my life. I would normally be upset however, in the midst of it taking up all my time, I've been able to relax and not think about TTC at all. (other than the lovin!!) This no charting business is for me!

First, I am in LOVE with the Twilight series. I have never read a book where I felt so connected to the characters. You feel the butterflies when they do. The nervous feelings and "new love" stuff they experienced were all things I/we experienced when first falling in love or in like with a new boy. I was able to relate to those moments which connected me like to this book like I was not expecting. I have told everyone I know about these books and have been able to pull a few on the Twilight bandwagon. I'm so excited about the movie, I'm literally counting down to 12/12/08.

Second, Facebook sucks you in. I didn't want to get a profile on the site b/c I knew I would want to be on it more than I should. That's how I've been with the nest. Boy was I right. I've had it a week tomorrow and I'm on it more than I want to be. Even James said I was addicted, just after about 2 or 3 days. It's ridiculous. I am "reconnecting" with people I haven't thought about in 8 years, since we graduated. That aspect is nice. It's cool to see how everyone has grown up: some are married, some have kids, some are just following their dreams. My page is decked out with everything Twilight I can find. It's fabulous :)

The countdown to my birthday is on!!!!! 8 more days baby! ~OH YEAH~

Taking a Break

I've decided to take a break from charting this month. Last month was hard on me and I want to try something new this cycle in hopes of relaxing. After confirming ovulation last month, I didn't temp the rest of the cycle. It was nice not waking up every morning concerned about getting the thermometer before I could pee. I got used to not temping and loved it. Once AF showed up, I attempted to temp again but lacked both the motivation and want. When I woke up this morning I decided that for now, I've had enough. The only thing I plan to do is take my vitamins and have lots of sex for the next two weeks. If that doesn't work, at least nothing was wasted.

"Go make a baby"

Wednesday I had the thyroid ultrasound since my TSH levels were normal. I asked why I had to have it and the nurse said it was b/c the dr felt something and wanted it checked out. Okay, that makes since. I was in and out within about 15-20 minutes, including time to sign the preregistration forms. I asked the u/s tech about how long it would take for the dr to get the results and she said by the next morning. My doc is usually on top of things so I expected to hear from her before the weekend. Thursday afternoon I got a call from my GYN and she told me the ultrasound was clear and everything looked good. She then said, "now go make a baby". I just laughed and said we'd keep trying. That's why I love my doctor. So what are we going to do now? Follow the doctor's orders and make a baby!

Bitch

AF came yesterday and I was effing pissed. I wanted to scream and cry but I was at work and just held it in. 11dpo is not the day to get AF. I so wanted to test with the girls on Thursday. I pray that they get their BFP's even if I wasn't part of it. That would make me so happy. I just feel nothing today. It's time for the Bitch to get out of town so I can have lots of sex--that always makes me feel good.

Father's Day

So it's Father's day and I'm struggling with the notion, to test or not to test. I'm 10dpo and know if I tested it would be negative, but just the slight chance of getting to tell James Happy Father's Day makes me want to put the computer down and run to the bathroom. I'm trying to hold off until Thursday. We'll see if I make it all day without testing. If I had a dollar tree test I would've already tested, but the thought of wasting the "expensive" first response makes me hesitant. I guess this is what I have to look forward to all day.

Yesterday my sister and her husband got a dog. A little miniature pincher named Chief. We went to Feeder's Supply to get all the necessary items and Kelly was just going crazy wanting to get this and that. She kept saying you're going to be my spoiled little baby. It was so cute. Watching her made me think of how I wish that was me, getting ready to spoil my baby. Then when I was on my way home I was listening to my ipod and Sara Evan's "Backseat of a Greyhound Bus" came on. I love that song and was singing along until I broke down crying. She sang, "on the backseat of a greyhound heart so full that it could bust, staring at the rest of her life" tears just starting streaming down my face. I wasn't really thinking of anything, just singing, but I guess that part just got to me b/c I want that. I want to have my heart full of love for our little baby knowing that he/she is the center of our world. I never expected to ever cry on that song, but it just hit me last night. Thanks a lot Sara Evans.

Trying to stay relaxed

Yesterday I got a phone call from my dr's office saying my TSH levels were normal but the dr did feel something on my thyroid and wants an ultrasound done. It's scheduled for Wednesday. I talked to a friend who's a nurse and she said it's no big deal, if there is something there, it can be controlled with meds. I also talked to a speech therapist at work and she basically said the same thing. I tend to get worked up when it comes to medical stuff. I can make myself very nervous and freak out before getting all of the information. I'm trying very hard not to do that.

I want to relax this 2ww, but I'm finding myself struggling with that. I want more than anything for this to be our cycle, but I don't want to let little things get me worked up. Putting things out of my head only works for a little while and then when I'm not thinking about things, here they come again. I don't want this to be another one of those cycles where I've convinced myself that I am only to find out I am not. However, I feel like all the signs are pointing to yes, all the dots are connecting. Yup, sounds like I'm convincing myself I am. Let me lay it out to get it out of my head and once seeing it written, I'll realize how crazy I am.

A)My friend Brande really got to me when she called the other night. Telling me she thinks I'm going to get pregnant this cycle when I'm already hopeful, she's just fueling the fire. I hadn't talked to her in several weeks and for her to call me up like that, it's just ironic. B)I had a sharp pain in my lower abdomen on my right side. It had a dull pain for about a day in the same spot. I'm calling it a cramp but it didn't feel like my "usual" AF cramp. C)My boobs are extremely sensitive and heavy. D)I just feel different this cycle. E)I'm praying that b/c Shannon, Lindsey and I are all testing the same time this cycle so I'm thinking we're good luck charms for each other.
Ok, now that I have that out of my system, let me argue what I just said.
A)So what she called. A friend can call out of the blue and it mean nothing more than she just wanted to call and say Good Luck. B)You had a cramp or maybe gas pains. It doesn't mean you're pregnant, it means you had a pain. C)Your boobs are sore almost every month. It's not a symptom of anything other than being a woman. D)You feel different b/c you want to feel different. There's nothing more to it. E)Good Luck to us all!!

Ok, I feel better.

Yesterday was crazy

I don't know how else to describe it. I had my GYN appointment, my annual but while I was there, I wanted to discuss with her that we are TTC. We went through info I guess they give to all women TTC, but they were things I've already learned from TCOYF or from the nest. Before getting started with the exam, she felt my thyroid and said it felt slightly bigger than normal. I hate the word normal. I had blood drawn at the lab and they're supposed to call with the results. She said she wanted to check it b/c it can cause difficulty with getting pregnant. Now this is what I'm confused about. She said if the thyroid levels are normal, they're going to do an ultrasound just to make sure. When I told James, he questioned me saying if they're abnormal they should do an ultrasound. Now I'm not sure. Guess I'll find out when they call with the results. I did have tests done, including thyroid about 2 months ago and they were perfectly fine then, so we'll see. I'm not going to worry. Like I said, I want to take it easy this 2ww. I'm not even going to open FF unless AF shows up, which she won't. Easy and breezy from here on out.

During dinner last night, a friend from high school, Brande, that I try to keep up with called me. It was out of the blue. She was one of the first of the few people we told about TTC b/c she had just gone through the same thing. One of her other friends, Kristen, had also started TTC about the same time as us. When she called she said, I just wanted to tell you Kristen and I were talking about TTC and you as well and I really think you're going to get pregnant. Brande works for the same company that I just quit and said now that the stress of that place is no longer affecting me, she really thinks it's going to happen for us. She called just to tell me that. I thought it was so cute and sweet of her. Lifted my spirits from the dr visit earlier in the day. Oh how I hope and pray she's right. This really should be our cycle!

"I didn't know I was pregnant"

Ok, so that's the title of a show I watched last night on Discovery Health. Before I watched it, I thought there was just no way possible someone could not know they were pregnant. Well, there were 5 women on the show that didn't. Even after watching the show, it still just doesn't seem right. Some women didn't experience any extra weight gain, none of them seemed to feel the baby/babies kick, they didn't have any symptoms or didn't realize they were pregnancy related. None of them knew they were in labor. I'm still in shock.

All I have to say is that I hope when it's my time, this cycle!, I relish in it and cherish all the moments possible. I wouldn't want to go through pregnancy, something as I woman I look forward to, and not know what's going on. I want to remember it and record the precious moments. I want to see the two pink lines. I want to go to my first appointment and have the OB confirm I'm pregnant. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want to buy maternity clothes. I want to tell our families. I want to watch my baby grow. I want to find out the sex of the baby if possible. I want to call the baby by name and decorate the nursery just for him or her. I want to go into labor and know that what I'm experiencing is the miracle of birth. I pray that I will be blessed with all of these things. I just can't imagine not knowing I'm pregnant.

The 2 Week Wait

Well, today I got my cross hairs and I'm showing 3DPO. That means I'm into the 2ww. It's exciting knowing that at the end of the 2 weeks we could find out we're pregnant. It's also torture b/c I tend to silently overanalyze the phantom symptoms and as much as I know it means nothing, sometimes I do get swept up in the thoughts. Taking my temps and watching them closely adds to the madness so I decided after my GYN appointment on Tuesday, I'm not temping the rest of the 2ww. I'm very excited about it.

(Totally off the subject but I just saw an awesome commercial. It was on Discovery Health and it was advertising for Planet Green. This naked lady was in line at the bank, naked, talking to the guy behind her in line about saving energy by running the A/C less by not wearing clothes. She then said, look even the security guard is green. He said, "nope, just naked". It was hilarious!!)

With Father's Day being next Sunday, I was hoping it would be around 12dpo and I could test, but nope. I'll only be 10dpo and it just seems pointless to test that early. I really don't want to give in, but it would be the best Father's Day gift ever! I wish I could give that to James more than anything. I do plan to get a blank card and write him a little message for Father's day. When we were looking for mother's day cards, I did see one for future mothers. I thought that was awesome. I don't remember what it said but it was nice to know there are cards or at least 1 card made for women like me (and my GP girls).

Baby Names

While my sister, Kelly, was at work we were emailing back and forth. She does not know we're TTC. She wanted to talk baby names and well, I don't need much convincing on that subject so we did. She mentioned the girl name her and her H (Brandon) had decided on was Autumn. It just so happens that it was mentioned to me that my cousin Brandon and his gf decided when they get married and have kids, they want to use the name Autumn for a girl. That got me to thinking. Technically you can't lay claim to a name. It just doesn't work that way, but what happens when two people in the family want to use the same name? It happened in our family, except they were different genders. I have a boy cousin Jordan and a girl cousin Jordan. It worked for them b/c we call her Jordan Lee when we have family functions.

Kelly said if they have a girl first, they're going to use the name. I can argue both sides of that. If I/we had decided use a name and then someone else used it, I'd be pissed. Not sure if I'd want to use it after that. On the other hand, if we had decided on a name and someone else wanted it too but we had the baby first, I can totally see it being fair-like a first dibs kind of thing. I have mixed feelings. That's why I told my sister and my cousins Brittany and April the names we picked out so they know we are planning to use them. These are the only family members that are talking children. If you want to use them, beware. We are sticking to these names no matter what!

James and I have the same views on most things. Babies are no exception. We decided we both want to know the sex of the baby. We want to have the room decorated (eventhough there's no guarantee until you see your baby). Once we know the sex, we want to call the baby by name instead of baby or it. Of course we have no idea what pregnancy is going to be like, but we want to make it as personal (for lack of a better word) as possible. When we're talking to others or to the baby, we want to use the name we've chosen. I'm excited about that. For this reason, I'm hoping the 20 wk u/s, the little one will give us a peep show so we can find out.

Boys: I always thought I wanted a girl first. I love all the girlie things but we have a lot of boys in our family and when we got to discussing names, we agreed on boys names, three of them, easily. Being around little boys, my views have changed and I want a little boy just as much as a little girl. I don't have a preference, just a healthy one of course.
Since my maiden name is Thomas, I wanted to use that. I do not like it as a first name, but want to use it as the middle name. J & I agreed initially on Nathan and Lucas. I've always liked Nathan a little more, love the nickname Nate, and Nathan Thomas sounds better than Lucas Thomas so Nathan Thomas B is our boy name. Since twins run in the family, we wanted to pick out two names for each. J's middle name is Ross so we have another middle name. Lucas Ross B or Grant Ross B, not sure which. We like them both.

Girls: Like I said, I love all things girlie. The pinks, the outfits, thinking of doing their hair and taking them to dance class. So in thinking of names, I wanted something that wasn't too cutsie. A name that will sound good on a baby or older lady. I also wanted something that has the potential for a nickname. We don't want to use the nickname predominantly, but wanted something we could use for short. The name we decided upon, Camille Rose. I love it. It just sounds classic to me. Cami would be the nickname and at this point, neither of the two are popular in our area. Honestly, I haven't heard it used at all really. I like that. We haven't chosen a 2nd girl name in case of twins. Guess we'll figure that out if the situation presents itself.

So those are our baby names. We can't wait to use them :)
What have you picked out?

3 Bundles of Joy

Tonight James and I went over to his friend's house to visit his family. They have triplets, two girls and a boy. They're 2 and 1/2 and absolutely adorable. We both just love spending time with them and tonight was no exception. They just run around and want you to play with them. It was so cute every time you'd ask if they wanted to play something or do something, they'd say "No". They wanted to teach you to play how they play. We got to participate in their bedtime routine. We played during bath time, helped dress and lotion them, and I got to dry the girls' hair. Then just before they laid down, we got kisses and hugs. It was the sweetest thing. Oh how I love being around kids. I'm so ready to be a mom. (and all that it brings)

Come on ovaries, O

You know you want to. Make it count this month. I've had a good amount of EWCM the past two days so I know you're in the mood. You're causing me some cramps so I know you're thinking about it. Ovulate. Just let it go. Release that egg.
Egg: Now when all the sperm come out to meet you, don't be afraid. They're your friends. They're going to try to snuggle with you and that's ok. It is your job to make them feel welcome. Open your doors and let one or two of them in. It's a simple job, but I need you to do that for me. Now, once you've let one in I'm gonna need you to find your way down to the uterus and when you get there, stick. Hold tight to the wall and do not let go. Hold on for dear life! Please do this for us!

So last night I had one of the most realistic dreams I've ever had. My dad, sister, and BIL were all at my house. James had just left for work. I was 12dpo and wanted to test, so I did. I had J on the phone and almost immediately I saw two pink lines. The second line was as dark as the control so there was no mistaking it. At first I didn't believe it. I've never seen a second line show up before so of course it would be shocking. Once I realized it meant we were pregnant I broke down crying, almost hysterically. My sister came back in the bathroom to see why I was so upset and saw the test and shouted out, right in front of BIL, "you're pregnant?!?" Of course she was just excited but I was kind of upset that she already had inadvertently told someone I wasn't ready to tell. But then I snapped out of it and remembered J was on the phone and I said you need to come home immediately. He walked in the door, saw me crying and we fell to the floor hugging and crying. The emotion I felt in this dream was so real. Then the damn alarm clock went off and it woke me up. It took me a minute or two to realize it was just a dream. I had to wipe away the tears that I cried during my sleep; my pillow was welt. The pain I felt from realizing it wasn't real was just as much if not more than getting a negative test. I realize dreams are a part of life and if you're trying for a baby, you're bound to have a dream related to that. However, it feels to me, at this moment, like it's just one more thing to f*ck with your head. I guess I'm just bummed. Oh well, guess I'll be ovulating today or tomorrow and praying that one of those little suckers makes their way in :)

First Day

Today was the first day at my new job. Well, today and tomorrow are just orientation days at the main campus. I don't go to my facility and start my actual position until Wednesday. Orientation was pleasant, believe it or not. They seem really excited and passionate about what they do. I've never experienced that at any company I've worked for. The best thing about today, benefits. I know that sounds crazy b/c who enjoys listening about insurance plans. Normally I'd agree but today I learned something that could potentially be very important. One of the insurance plans offered covers infertility treatments. I pray it will not come to that, but if we are faced with that in the future, I'm so thankful to know it will be covered. I know some insurance companies do not cover any kind of assistance in getting pregnant so I'm just excited. Again, I pray it will not come to that, but it's peace of mind for now.

So, next week is the appointment with my Gyn. I've been thinking about it. I'll be happy to share everything with my doc and see what she has to say. Knowing that I've been charting and can take that to her and she can see my cycle history is slightly comforting. After thinking about it, I was glad I decided to finish charting this month so I'll have one more cycle to show her but I've decided next month we're taking off. Next month we're just going to do what we did the first month. Have lots of sex and have fun with it. No BBT, no mention of a temp, no checking CM. There will be none of that. I'm looking forward to what the doctor has to say, see what the direction we'll go in.