Praise You in this Storm

I was driving home from my sister's house tonight after watching U of L play like crap and was listening to a Casting Crowns cd. I was just "jamming" along and the song "Praise You in this Storm" came on. The music in the song is so powerful that it gives me chills every time I listen to it. Today, the words brought tears to my eyes. It often does when I haven't listened to it in a while, but today, it just hit home in a new way. As we are approaching the end of cycle 10, we don't know if yet again it will end in disappointment and bring along with it all the questions of why or if it will actually end with a positive test telling us we're pregnant. The end of cycle 10 is extremely close to cycle 12 which means 1 year of trying to get pregnant with no success. That is frightening and heartbreaking. This runs through my head all the time. Now that I'm anticipating the end of my cycle within the week, the I might be pregnant b/c of that symptom is starting. I'm trying very hard not to focus on that (and with us looking at new homes it's easier than expected). Those thoughts still cross my mind throughout the day. This is my struggle. This is my storm. My heart is torn b/c I trust in Him and have faith we'll have our own child, but it may not be His will. The song's in my playlist but here are the words.

Praise You In This Storm lyrics

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

A Few Things

Last Tuesday, James & I celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's already been 2 years since our wedding. On the flip side, I can't believe it's only been 2 years of marriage. I've married my best friend and I'm incredibly blessed. I love our life that we've made together!

We took a trip last week to Charleston, SC. I absolutely love it there and recommend that anyone who hasn't been, go!! I've told James several times that we have to move there when we retire! Granted, tropical storm Fay caused it to rain half the time we were there, it was great to get away!

At work, there is this one lady that tells me almost weekly that I'm going to get/be pregnant soon. They say it's in the water b/c at least one person at all times is pregnant in our office. At first, I liked hearing it b/c each time she said it, I hoped with all my heart she was right. One day last week I felt extremely sick and had to leave early. Before I left, 3 people stopped by my office and asked if I was pregnant. Ok, fine, I guess it's something they think about in an office with all women. Well, yesterday I felt terribly sick to my stomach and was eating crackers and drinking sprite and 5 women asked if I was pregnant. Ok, this is getting on my nerves. First off, I know they don't have a clue what we're going through, but even to someone not trying to get pregnant would get aggitated being asked so frequently. Secondly, what is it about a woman getting sick that automatically prompts the "are you pregnant?" question? I just want to be like, "listen, I'm just sick. I'm not pregnant and when I get pregnant, I'm not going to tell you right away anyway so back the crap off!" It would be so great to actually say that but of course I won't get even close. I just laugh it off and try the first clever response I can think of. I guess this is one of the issues a female deals with when they work in an office with all women.

A New Day

I'm feeling hopeful again. I guess I just needed to feel down last week so I would be able to appreciate the hope I have this cycle. Our 2nd anniversary is tomorrow and that makes me so happy and excited. We've been married for 2 years and we're trying to add a baby to that and it just makes me feel hopeful. Even though we've been trying at this for 10 cycles now and I feel down and sad sometimes, there is still hope that we will get pregnant soon and that is a blessing.

Shannon posted a while back about the Celine Dion song, "A New Day". I always thought that song was pretty before, but after she explained the meaning behind it, it made it so beautiful. When I woke up this morning I remembered I had a dream where that song was playing, but I don't remember the rest of the dream. The only thing I can remember is that song and the joy of those words. It almost feels like I didn't really have a dream so much as that song was just in my head in my sleep playing. Regardless, I woke up happy. It felt like a calm swept through and left me feeling excited about the possible outcome of this cycle. I like this feeling.

I don't know how to find the strength

So Friday, even though I knew it might be early, I tested. BFN, but not a big surprise. I still felt hopeful. We enjoyed our day at Graceland on Saturday and went back to the hotel to rest and get ready to go to Beale St. One time when I went to the bathroom, it appeared I had started spotting. Of course the disappointment started to slowly settle in. However, when I went the very next time, nothing. I've never ever experienced a cycle where the spotting was sporaic. When I spot, it's constant until AF comes in full force. So when it appeared the spotting was a fluke, I was excited and hopeful again. Each time I went to the bathroom, I monitored it and nothing the rest of the night. I got up today half expecting AF to be here but nothing. After breakfast, I once again had a one time spotting episode (unlike my usualy consistency) and nothing since. So in my head I'm thinking, ok, instead of starting, maybe this is my body's way of saying, there's something in here now. We had our trip home and the only thing I could think of for the 6 hour drive was I can't wait to get home and test. I thought of how I might react, how James would react, when we'd tell our families and how. I got myself worked up to see two pink lines when we got home. I came home, we tested, and one damn line. At this point, I went through two ways of thinking. The first thing I thought was ok, since I can't confirm O, maybe I had late ovulation and this was just implantation spotting. Then I thought, why even think that way? Why continue to be hopeful when it seems AF is just going to come.

I feel so many things right now, but the strongest emotion is defeat. Each cycle, no matter what the circumstances, I let myself think, "it's going to happen for us this month" and yet each month it doesn't. I don't know how to find the strength anymore to keep going through this. I feel like I'm letting James down because my body isn't doing what it should. I feel like I'm not doing my job as a woman. As irrational and untrue as these might be, I still feel that way. I want to have the full experience. I want to have the rush of emotions when I see the BFP. I want to see James going through those same emotions when he sees the test. I want to experience the joy on our parents faces when we tell them we're pregnant. I want to hear the heartbeat of the life growing inside of me. I want to feel the life growing inside of me and know just how blessed we are. I want to go shopping for maternity clothes and baby stuff. I want to register for items. I want to find out if we're having a boy or girl. I want to decorate his or her room. I want to watch James talk to the baby belly and see the excitement on his face when he does it. I want to feel the first kick and watch James experience feeling his first kick. I want to have a baby shower and celebrate with our families. I want to experience the delivery of our child and see him or her for the first time and feel all this love that I've never known. I want to see James hold our baby for the first time. I want to be parents, we want to be parents. I can't imagine not having these things and yet, it's so hard to imagine these. I took my last birth control pill in Oct 07. Here it is Aug 08 and still not pregnant. Maybe I'm just in a low moment right now, but I feel numb. Why isn't this happening for us?

Taking a trip

Tomorrow at 2 we're leaving for Memphis. James & I are taking my dad and step mom to Graceland. Dad is a huge Elvis fan and has never been so I'm excited to take him. There's just one issue. My cycle ends this weekend. It will either end with my BFP or AF. I didn't temp again this cycle so I can't tell when I O'd but all signs point to there being O. Tomorrow will be CD 26 so I'm hoping it won't be to early to test b/c I really want to test before we leave. James is picking me up from work so it doesn't give me time to go home from work and test before meeting up with the parents. So here's the plan. I'll get up tomorrow at 6:15, test with FMU. If it's positive, praise God, if it's not, I'll pack to prepare for AF's arrival. If no AF by the time we return on Sunday, I'll be testing again. I'm excited and nervous. I want to end cycle 9 with two pink lines! If I get them, I'll post before leaving for work :)

Guilty of this

The series at church they did this month has been the most meaningful of any sermons they've done. They called it "The gods at war" referring to idolatry and the things of this world we worship and have turned into gods in our lives. They talked about money, pleasure and love. This was the most profound and meaningful series. It made every single person in the sanctuary stop and think of the things in their lives that have become more important than their relationship with God. I didn't have to think too hard about the most important thing in my life: my desire for a child and to be a mother. I had even written, I think in my featured couple profile, that the thing I wanted more than anything in this world was to be a mother. I had it plainly in writing. It never occurred to me that I was placing wanting a child above my relationship/love of my Lord. Another point in the sermon was that God does one of two things when we place something or someone above him. We will either encounter His active wrath or passive wrath. Passive wrath is when God removes His blessings from that part of our lives and well, active wrath is self explanatory. Is that what I'm experiencing, a passive wrath of God? Has my desire for a child, the want to be a mother become so important in my life that God has removed His blessing so I can refocus on Him and then He will bless us with a child? Of course I can't answer that, but it makes sense. As a Christian, I have given my life to Christ and He is my reason for everything. But as a Christian, when we get lost on our walk, and find other things sitting on the thrown of our hearts instead of our Lord, we will see His wrath. I pray that this is not why we are not pregnant. I pray this is our cycle, but most importantly, I pray that I will continue to strengthen my relationship and nothing will be more important to me than Him!



Over the weekend, we had some friends Jeff and Megan over and their little baby Peyton. She is a doll. Two things happened during our get together that stuck with me. They got pregnant on their 10th cycle. Megan was telling me about one of her friends that got pregnant their very first month. She then said something that made me think. She said that even though she knows how much her friend will love and appreciate their baby, but not as much as someone that has been trying and unsuccessful for months. It made sense b/c I know how much I will love and cherish our little one b/c we've been waiting for so long. On the other hand, just b/c we've been waiting longer than someone else, does that mean we'll appreciate our baby more? I don't know.
The other instance was something Jeff said. I don't remember how we got on the subject but he told me that in 7 days, we'd find out we are pregnant. This was on Friday night which would make next Friday 7 days, the day I plan on testing. Of course he had no idea about my cycle or that we'd be testing, which made it crazier to me. Someone at work told me I was going to get pregnant and Jeff told me we're going to find out we're pregnant. I don't want to read too much into it, but come on. How ironic is that? One thought is that God is telling me to relax b/c He is blessing us with a child. Another thought is that I'm entirely too gullible. Either way, I hope they're right!