Out of the Blue

I work with all women. We've had 3 women just come back from maternity leave, one about to go, and one 12 weeks pregnant. They say it's in the water. How great for me! At work today, I was just working away minding my own business, and one of my coworkers came in my office and said "jeanbean, you know what's going to happen while you're working here, right?" I was like, oh gosh, what is she talking about. I just looked at her and was like, "uh no". She looked at me and said with a straight face, "you're going to get pregnant". Well thanks, that's great to hear. I wanted to respond with I hope so, but I was just like, well I do hear it's in the water. We kind of laughed it off, but man I hope she's telling me something.
Tonight, James and I went and spent some time with the triplets(they belong to his friend). They are the cutest little kids. I didn't want to leave them. When it was bedtime, they were all kisses. Man, I can't wait for those moments with our own!

I Believe

Sunday I was listening to the Christian band "Barlow Girl" in the car and heard the song "I Believe". I've always loved that song, but this time it had more meaning to me than before. I listened to the words and it felt like they were just for me. We have no way of knowing why we're not blessed with a child when we want, when we feel ready. To us, it's a guessing game. Our prayers feel unanswered. Sometimes we feel angry and other times just so sad. But for me, no matter what, I still believe. This song says everything I'm feeling.

I Believe

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and the silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and the silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I,
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.

Featured Couple

Yesterday I was trying to check to see if I could get to the nest from work and thenestbaby homepage loaded up. I saw we are the featured couple. How exciting! When I tried to click on the story to read it, work blocks everything past the homepage, but it was still cool to see us there. I wanted to call my sister and a few friends and be like "hey look at us" but of course I couldn't. That was a little disappointing that I couldn't share it with them, but I'll print it out and share after we've gotten our + hpt.

So here we are, Saturday morning, CD 27 and no sign of AF. I decided to go ahead and test. One lonely pink line staring back at me. Ugh! I have no phantom symptoms, no AF symptoms. There's nothing else I can do but just wait around and see if AF shows up. If not, I might test Monday. This is the only "problem" I've encountered in not charting. I don't know how many days past ovulation I am (assuming I've ovulated). Although, since we've started trying, I've kept track of my cycle length and 28 is the longest I've had so I'm kind of playing off that right now. If I go past 28 days I'll consider myself late. That's all I can do. I have decided if I do start, I'm going to take another month off of charting. This is definitely the most relaxed I've felt since cycle 1. I feel more in control instead of consumed by all things TTC. That leaves more room for me to focus on my two favorite hobbies: making jewelry and painting. I have a canvas hanging in my bathroom all sketched out but not painted. Time to finish that up plus I have to start making the jewelry I promised my sister I'd have done by October so she could throw jewelry party. Time to enjoy the weekend.

A little bit of relief each time

I do not like to feel unprepared when it comes to AF. I like to make sure my purse has the necessities for it and when to start watching out for it. Being that I'm not charting this month, I wanted to count 28 days to figure out when to start the look out process. I didn't do it for any other reason, however, once I counted out the 28 days and saw day 27 & 28 were Saturday and Sunday, my next thought was about testing. As stupid as this sounds, I haven't even mentioned it to James for fear of jinxing myself and AF showing up early. I keep praying this is our cycle. I guess we'll see Saturday morning. Since my cycle was only 25 days last month, I figured day 27 would be a good day to test. (Of course I won't know how many dpo's I am but oh well)

I have that weird "feeling" AF might be coming. The feeling that I've started, but there's nothing there. I've felt a little bit of relief each time I've gone to the bathroom b/c I haven't started yet. Half the time that relief is followed by a little prayer asking God to bless our marriage with a baby. All in all, though, this cycle has been at least 50% less crazy. Let me rephrase. I'VE been at least 50% less crazy this cycle. Taking it easy this cycle has been good for me. If we're not pregnant this time, I'm taking another month off from charting. It's been good for my mental health. I'm not creating phantom symptoms so I'm happy about that. I've felt extremely exhausted yesterday and today and of course the first thought was symptom but I quickly shot that down. My pants fit tighter today than they did last week when I wore them and as much as I wanted it to be a phantom symptom, I know it was just the birthday cheesecake I've had. I'm hoping for the next 3 days I'll remain as calm as I have stayed and Saturday will come with no AF and I'll test and see the two beautiful most precious pink lines ever!!

Had a Great Birthday!!

Before I talk about anything else, I just want to say I love our flowers. I do not have a green thumb but we planted some flowers/bushes this year and they're looking great. I LOVE taking botanical photos and wanted to share a few of my favs.


So I enjoyed my birthday!! The morning was spent having a facial with my MIL. After that we had lunch before I met up with my sister. We had massages that afternoon. It was such a relaxing day. We went for pizza (my fav) and bowling that night. To finish up, we had chocolate cheesecake! Here is my favorite shot of the night and my favorite gift!

The countdown is on!

Normally my birthday is at least a week long celebration. This year, the lead up has been disappointing. Let me explain. My parents are divorced and they have been for about 8 years. My dad is remarried and I get along well with my step mom and step sister. Heck, I call her my sister most of the time instead of stepsister. Whenever anyone has a birthday we always go to dinner and then have cake. I usually celebrate with my mom on a different day with my sister and her husband. I expected nothing different this year. However, when my mom called to find out the birthday plans, I told her we were doing dinner with dad and then going bowling and we'd get together Sunday for church and lunch, she got mad. She got right off the phone, almost hanging up on me. I don't know why. It makes me a little made and mostly upset b/c we've always done things separately and for some reason she picks this year to get mad about it. I tried to cancel the birthday festivities but James wouldn't let that fly. So, I'm not sure how things will go with my mom on Sunday and honestly, I'm not looking forward to it.

Poor J, he's been lacking sleep and today was no different. Apparently he worked 3 hours of OT after his shift, went birthday shopping and came home and crashed. He crashed leaving my presents on the table for me to find when I came home. I didn't look in the bags, but I know I got the Anne Taylor perfume b/c their bag was on the table, and a NY & Co gift card b/c it was in a clear bag. He felt bad about leaving them out so of course I'm not going to give him a hard time, but I was a tiny bit disappointed that there won't be any surprises.

On a lighter note, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the "Bleeding Love" dance from last week's So You Think You Can Dance. It's still on the DVR and I won't let him delete it. It gives me chills every time I watch it. You should totally watch it if possible!!